Time Machine of Terror! 1977: The Year of Crap VS. Splendor

TIME MACHINE OF TERROR!

TIME MACHINE OF TERROR!

by Mark McLaughlin

1977: The Year of Crap VS. Splendor

Last Tuesday after work, I stopped by Professor LaGungo’s Exotic Artifacts & Assorted Mystic Collectibles to see what new items he had added to his inventory of bizarre goodies from around the world, among other places. I also had an important question to ask him.

As I entered the shoppe, it occurred to me that the head of Artemis LaGungo, who is well over one-hundred, resembled one of the many shrunken heads to be found on the shelves of his store — except, of course, for the fact that his head was normal-sized. His liver spots were so large and old, some had their own liver spots. When he saw me, he gave me a smile so wide, it put me in mind of a jack-o’-lantern.

“Hello, Mark!” he said. “I’m so glad you stopped by. I’ve acquired something you might like to keep inside the Time Machine of Terror!” He reached under the counter and pulled out what appeared to be a quaint water pistol made out of pink plastic. The little gun gurgled as he shook it. “It’s always full,” he said, “no matter how many times you shoot!”

So saying, he fired the pistol at a nearby teddy bear, again and again, until poor teddy was soaking wet. He shook the gun again and it gave us the same gurgle. “Listen: still full — of holy water!” he cried happily. “It was specially created by a clown priest, who used it for exorcism cases regarding children. You can have it for twenty bucks.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said, handing the professor two ten-dollar bills. “I may need it to protect me from some of the crappier B-movies that I visit in that time machine you sold me.”

“Oh, never joke about the power of crap!” the professor whispered as he gave me the toy.

“The power of crap…?” I repeated, mystified.

“Just as good and evil are equal but opposite forces that flow through our universe,” the professor explained, “so splendor and crap are opposing powers that hold sway in the dimension of old movies and TV shows. If you want to see what I’m talking about, visit the year 1977 in the Time Machine of Terror!”

I suddenly remembered the important question I needed to ask the professor. “I check the fuel gauge on the time machine after every trip, and right now, the tank is half full,” I said. “I’d like to fill it back up, but I don’t know what to use.”

The Time Machine of Terror! (or TMOT!, for short) is powered by spinning mystic gears from an ancient Lemurian time-temple — evil, twisted gears lubricated with the blood of the damned, the tears of the innocent, and peppermint oil. The peppermint oil makes it smell nice. So while I knew what kept the gears turning smoothly, I still had no idea what the machine actually required for fuel.

“Your trip to 1977 will answer that question,” the professor said. “Now let me show you a delightful wind-up praying mantis that came into the shoppe earlier today….”

Later that evening, I entered the TMOT! and paid a visit to 1977. But before I tell you about that, let’s take a look at what happened in the world that year….

On January 3, Apple Computer Inc. was incorporated.

On January 18, the germ that causes Legionnaires’ Disease was identified.

On January 19, snow fell in Miami, Florida, for the first time in the city’s history.

On January 20, Jimmy Carter succeeded Gerald Ford as America’s 39th President.

On February 11, an astounding 44-pound, 9-ounce lobster was caught near Nova Scotia.

On March 4, an earthquake in Bucharest killed 1,500.

On March 27, a collision between KLM and PanAm Boeing 747s at the Canary Islands killed 583 people.

On April 22, optical fiber was first used to carry phone-call traffic.

On May 25, STAR WARS opened in theatres and became, at the time, the highest grossing film ever.

On June 26, Elvis Presley performed his final concert in Market Square Arena in Indianapolis, Indiana

On July 13, a blackout in New York City lasted for 25 hours.

On August 16, Elvis Presley died at age 42 at his Graceland residence. His funeral in Memphis, Tennessee, brought out 75,000 fans.

On August 19, comedy legend Groucho Marx died.

On September 29, the Food Stamp Program began.

On October 14, a gay rights activist named Tom Higgins hit Anita Bryant in the face with a pie at an anti-gay rally in Des Moines, Iowa.

On November 8, San Francisco elected City Supervisor Harvey Milk, the first openly gay elected official of a major American city.

On December 1, Nickelodeon, the children’s cartoon channel, launched as the Pinwheel Network.

Notable 1977 births included actors and actresses Orlando Bloom, James Van Der Beek, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Liv Tyler, Edward Furlong, musicians Kanye West, Ludacris, Fiona Apple, and rich guy Donald Trump, Jr.

Before I hopped into the TMOT! for my trip, I splashed the outside of the time machine with plenty of holy water from the toy pistol. You see, my first stop in 1977 was going to be EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC, and I didn’t want the demon Pazuzu to try to climb aboard the timecraft.

As I’ve mentioned before, the structure of the TMOT! resembles a giant brass alarm clock with batwings, so I made sure the wings were well-saturated with holy water.

EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC takes place four years after young Regan’s demonic possession in THE EXORCIST. Richard Burton plays the wide-eyed priest sent by the Vatican to see how she’s doing, and his acting is so over-the-top, one might think he was one possessed.

It is revealed that Regan’s demonic tormentor, Pazuzu, is an African locust demon — perhaps its busy mandibles were what inspired Burton to chew so voraciously on the scenery. 

In one scene, the priest and Regan share a dual-hypnosis machine that uses a spinning hypno-wheel and flashing lights to lull patients into a deep trance. Sadly, it can’t hypnotize any audience into taking any of this happy horse-poop seriously.

This bold, brassy sequel features exotic locales and amazing special effects, but it’s still pretty much big-budget crap. At one point, the priest has a vision where he rides the demon-locust Pazuzu straight to Africa. Wacky! The whole opus is so breathlessly bizarre, you can’t tear your eyes off of it.

While Pazuzu was busy giving Richard Burton piggyback rides, I steered the TMOT! in a new direction. The TMOT! registered high energy levels coming from 1977 TV shows. ROOTS, a highly popular historical mini-series which concerned the lives of America’s slaves, was filled with dramatic and historic splendor. THREE’S COMPANY and THE LOVE BOAT, on the other hand, were horny, crappy sitcoms about swingin’ Seventies types with big teeth and feathered hairstyles.

Next, I turned the TMOT! toward STAR WARS, the top movie of 1977. As everyone knows, STAR WARS is a classic tale of young adventurers toppling an evil space empire. Like EXORCIST II, it’s a bold, brassy movie, but instead of crap, it offers splendor — grand vistas of wonder and excitement. It also features a healthy assortment of aliens and monsters. There’s a good amount of humor and playful energy: it knows not to take itself too seriously.

STAR WARS is fresh, energetic and consistently entertaining. The same can also be said for CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, another splendid 1977 box-office smash, which concerns humanity’s first official encounter with beings from beyond.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS only features interactions with one type of alien, as opposed to the veritable space-zoo to be found in STAR WARS. But, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS is such a stirring, inspiring adventure, no viewer is going to feel short-changed by any perceived shortage of space fauna. The big-headed, childlike, vaguely angelic aliens are fascinating creatures, and the fact that they are usually backlit makes them especially compelling (beings from their planet seem to understand the importance of dramatic lighting).

Sadly, I didn’t find any fascinating aliens at my next stop, a STAR WARS wannabe from Italy called BATTAGLIE NEGLI SPAZI STELLARI — in English, COSMOS: WAR OF THE PLANETS.

I did find some aliens with green skin and pointy ears, and a lot of bad special effects, including a huge, boxy, square-eyed, domineering super-robot who is capable of possessing — like an evil spirit or Pazuzu — people or even other computers.

The evil super-robot turns in a pretty mechanical performance, but next to the actors in CATHY’S CURSE, he looks like master thespian Laurence Olivier.

CATHY’S CURSE, a Canadian film, comes across as a dime-store version of the far superior 1977 release AUDREY ROSE, which told the haunting tale of a young girl alleged to be the reincarnation of another doomed girl who’d burned to death. While AUDREY ROSE was a splendid big-budget horror classic, CATHY’S CURSE looks more like a raked-together pile of scratched, faded cutting-room clippings.

CATHY’S CURSE is the story of a possessed pre-teen girl with long blonde hair and a foul mouth. She addresses a kindly lady medium as “Old bitch!”, “Fat dried-up whore!” and “Filthy female cow!” At one point, Cathy conjures up a witchlike avatar that says to the medium, “Medium? I’d say extra-rare piece of shit!”

Yikes! That little Cathy is hardcore!

Cathy carries around an evil doll that talks through the girl in a low, anguished devil-voice. But, that’s not the weirdest voice in the movie. The actress who plays Cathy’s mother speaks in a strange high-pitched whine, much like a demented version of Fran Drescher, which really has to be heard to be believed.

The 1977 version of THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU explores the romantic possibilities behind this classic tale of a mad scientist who turns beasts into humans. Can a proper Englishman have a serious relationship with a woman who’s part panther? In DEMON SEED, a super-computer decides to have a baby with a human woman, who isn’t exactly thrilled about the idea.  

Earth was threatened by killer creepy-crawlies twice in 1977. In the crap classics, EMPIRE OF THE ANTS and KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS, the title creatures endeavor to conquer humanity. Lord help us if they ever decide to combine their powers!

Man’s best friend turns into a Transylvanian bloodsucker in ZOLTAN, HOUND OF DRACULA. Apparently Dracula’s pet is also a vampire, and when his faithful hound ends up in suburbia, it’s clear that the neighborhood has gone to the dogs!

Outdoor horror pops up in THE HILLS HAVE EYES, an intense, savage tale of a desert family of sadistic freaks, and also in SNOWBEAST, a lame yawner about a white-haired sasquatch terrorizing a Colorado community during the skiing season.

I put the TMOT! in orbit around SUSPIRIA so I could study this movie for quite a while. This is the first of the three movies in the Three Mothers trilogy of Italian director Dario Argento. The other two are INFERNO (1980) and THE MOTHER OF TEARS (2007).

The Three Mothers movies were inspired by a literary work called “Suspiria De Profundis,” the sequel to “Confessions of an English Opium Eater” by English writer Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859).

In “Suspiria De Profundis” is a section entitled “Levana and Our Ladies of Sorrow,” which states that just as there are three Graces, there are also three Sorrows: Mater Suspiriorum, Our Lady of Sighs; Mater Tenebrarum, Our Lady of Darkness; and Mater Lachrymarum, Our Lady of Tears.

The villain in SUSPIRIA is Mater Suspiriorum, and here is what “Levana and Our Ladies of Sorrow” says about her: “The second sister is called Mater Suspiriorum — Our Lady of Sighs. … her eyes, if they were ever seen, would be neither sweet nor subtle; no man could read their story; they would be found filled with perishing dreams, and with wrecks of forgotten delirium.”

DeQuincey’s three Mothers are surreal goddesses of strange beauty and boundless power. Argento’s more down-to-earth interpretation of DeQuincey’s vision recasts the Mothers as diabolical super-witches.

Is SUSPIRIA a work of splendor or crap? It depends on who you ask. Because the movie contains multiple scenes of brutal, psychotic violence, some might dismiss it as crap. And because it is beautifully filmed and tells a complex and stylish tale of supernatural horror, some might consider it not only a work of luscious splendor, but also a cinematic classic.

The final stop in my 1977 tour was the apocalyptic crapfest, THE END OF THE WORLD, in which British horror icon Christopher Lee plays an alien disguised as a priest: Father Pergado, a.k.a. Zindar.

It seems that aliens have been watching Earth for quite a long time, and they’ve come to the decision that humanity is a disease that needs to be stamped out. A scientist and his wife fight the aliens for a good long time, but in the last few minutes, when it is clear the aliens are winning, the couple decides to jump ship and go live with the aliens. Talk about fair-weather friends!

As I set the TMOT! on a course for home, I reflected on what I’d learned this time around. 1977 was a footloose, rollicking year of great changes, high spirits, and great imaginative energy. Clearly the powers of splendor and crap were both in full swing.

After all, two of the greatest speculative-genre movies of all time — STAR WARS and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THIRD KIND — both came out in 1977. And many of the crappiest movies of all time — including EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC and CATHY’S CURSE — also came out. But even the crappy ones had their own unique brand of crappy splendor to them.

One cannot watch EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC without realizing one is watching something truly and majestically crappy. Such an opulent waste of money and resources! Veteran filmmakers and performers spent loads of time creating, fine-tuning and polishing this huge, glistening cinematic turd. It is the Mt. Everest of Awfulness — and paradoxically, all that combined crappiness makes it highly entertaining in its own kooky way.

The same can be said for many of 1977′s other movie crapfests. Just look at ZOLTAN, HOUND OF DRACULA. It wasn’t meant to be a comedy, but that’s what it turned out to be. Did its makers really think that anyone would find this goofball concept — Dracula’s vampire dog — even remotely frightening?

When the TMOT! and I returned home, I checked the machine’s fuel gauge. The tank was full! Apparently the trip to 1977 had filled it back up. So what was the tank full of?

Full of splendor? Full of crap? The year I’d just visited had overflowed with both. Splendor and crap are both fuel for the imagination — and apparently, for bat-winged Lemurian time-machines as well.

– End –

MARK McLAUGHLIN is part Greek, part Irish, part French, all terror. He is the Bram Stoker Award-winning author of numerous story collections, including RAISING DEMONS FOR FUN AND PROFIT, MOTIVATIONAL SHRIEKER, PICKMAN’S MOTEL, and TWISTED TALES FOR SICK PUPPIES, and co-author (with Michael McCarty) of the novel, MONSTER BEHIND THE WHEEL, the poetry collection, ATTACK OF THE TWO-HEADED POETRY MONSTER, and the Darkside Digital e-book, PROFESSOR LaGUNGO’S DELIRIOUS DOWNLOAD OF DIGITAL DEVILTRY AND DOOM.

To find out more about Mark’s work, visit www.myspace.com/monsterbook, www.skullvines.com, and/or enter McLaughlin into the search engine at www.horror-mall.com.

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